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February 08, 2010
they are here to save me (: @ 1:47 PM
Woke up by my elder brother.
tired & sleepy..
he said,
" wake up! got people looking for you. "
i am so sleepy..
i dragged myself out from my bed.
walked out of the room.
i looked.
its one of my teacher & 4 others ppl.
3guys & 1more lady.
all nicely dressed.
than she said,
" Hi Charmaine. till now still sleeping? "
i replied,
" yeah. what thing oh? "
she answered,
" i came here with 4 other doctors to help you.
they cure depression. "
i smiled & replied happily.
" really? they cure depression? "
she looked not shocked at all.
cause they did suspected i am under depression.
she said,
" yea. you really got depression uh? "
i answered,
" erm.. yea. for 2years already. "
but yea. they cannot come in & talk to me
unless my mother is at home.
so i quickly try calling her.
like i expected.
she didn't answer my calls.
but after awhile
she reached home.
then they came in & talk to my mum,
my mother get me to buy drinks for them.
so yea i went down & buy drinks.
they talked to her for quite long.
after that my mother asked me to come out.
& finally..
its my turn to talk to them.
they asked me
what happened. & why am i so upset.
i told them bout my life.
my family. my friends.
but of cause.
i didn't tell them 1thing.
i didn't say bout it*.
but they know i am hiding something.
but they kept quiet bout it.
i told them bout "her".
they asked me.
whether is she here.
cos when they all are talking to me.
i just looked at them for a little while.
then look around.
looking behind them..
i told them..
" erm. yea. she is here.
& she is not happy at all.
she is angry.. "
one of the doctor asked why..
i continued,
" she not happy that you all are here.
here to help me & save me. "
they said.
" yea for sure. "
when i told them bout "her".
it seems like "she" is really angry with me.
i told them what "she" did.
what "she" said.
they try to help me.
they asked me.
2weeks ago anything happen?
i told them..
bout the broke up..
i told them bout him.
they asked what happen,
& what did i do.
what did "she" said to me.
i told them.
i came out of the condo.
i didn't know where i was.
i wander around.
i was crying.
then suddenly "she",
the voice in my head.
began talking to me.
making things worst for me.
"she" told me to die.
just die since i am everyday so upset.
after thinking.
i got thoughts of death. again.
"she" took control of my body.
then made me run across Newton Circle.
a busy road that won't stop for you.
many cars & buses beep at me.
but i didn't know why.
my legs seems to be rooted on the ground.
i can't move.
"she" is stopping me.
then some1 pull me away from the cars.
but that didn't stop "her"
after that "she" made me run.
run across roads again.
trying to make me die.
i didn't know why.
after i ran so much.
i am not tired at all.
i want to scream for help.
but i can't scream nor talk.
"she" is doing the talking for me.
on Saturday.
i supposes to go for the WaveHouse Event.
but yea. as i said in my post below.
i was bounce out badly.
so we went to the beach to slack.
after that i went crazy again.
"she" came back for me (:
"she" talks & said things
to make me feel hurt & sad.
to make me feel worst.
& i told "her" to leave me alone.
obviously "she" didn't.
i walked back to where my friends were.
i took my things.
& wanted to leave.
i don't know why.
but i want to leave.
but my friends stopped me.
then dragged me back.
i put down my things & sited behind.
for the first time.
"she" came out of my body.
in front of so many people.
"she" looks like me.
"she" began to talk..
talk to me. saying things,
i didn't want to hear.
"she" kept laughing & smiling.
i begged "her" to stop hurting me
too much thinking & voices in my head.
it hurts.
when i am hurt & sad.
"she" is laughing happily.
after awhile..
"she" went back into my body.
i can't speak for myself anymore.
when my sister & others
are talking to me. asking me.
"she" answered.
& laugh..
"she" said in a low voice..
" didn't you all know she is useless? "
laughing.
in my head i screaming for help.
but no voice came out.
than suddenly i can talk again.
i screamed & cried,
" Help me.. Please! she is hurting me. "
right after i said that.
"she" cut me off from talking.
than i began to laugh.
"she" is using my body to talk to them.
"she" talked to them.
my friends was scared.
my sister was scared.
they force me down on the chair.
but "she" was so angry.
"she" said.
"Leave me alone! Don't make me use force."
my sister say.
" use la. i don't care! Char wake up la ! "
"she" pushed my sister so hard.
in my head i was asking "her" to stop.
"she" pushed the guys who is holding
my body down.
i can't stand it.
my head hurts.
"she" is always there.
there to make things worst for me.
i told them bout this..
& "she" is behind them.
telling me to stop.
if not "she" will make me suffer.
but i continue.
trying to tell them everything i can.
& they are also trying their best
to help me (:
they asked me why am i scare of medicine.
i told them.
there's afew times when i am so upset.
bout my friends. & yea.
of cos guys.
i ate over 20 panadols.
& i str8 faint at the carpark.
my head hurts so badly after that.
kept vomiting.
i know how suffering it is.
but i still continue to eat.
that's why now.
even if i have fever or what.
i don't go to the doctor's
or eat medicine.
as i am scare of them (:
so yea.
they wants me to go back school
blahblahblah.
& yea i going back school
once in a week.
to see the doctor.
talk to him.
bout my life.
my feelings.
my thoughts.
i am happy.
happy that after 2years.
some1 is coming to save me.
after 2years of screaming in pain.
they are here to help me. (:
but i also need to help myself.
if i don't help myself.
no one can help me.
JIAYOU CHARMAINE ! HAHA!
`Loves ♥.
End.
-She Don't Need Anyone to Hold Her Anymore.-
-She will be fine without Training Wheels.-
`Smiling Without You. (:
`Strong Without You. ♥.
`Strong Without You. ♥.